Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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