mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
