Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
