Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
