So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
