NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
