Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
