Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
