I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
