I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
