So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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