Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
