An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
