nut hugger
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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