not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
me + whiskey = a bad person
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
