THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
