I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
