I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
