I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
