Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
