Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just want nice things and good sex
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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