my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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