as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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