so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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