It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
