Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
