I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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