just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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