The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
