life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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