apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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