I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
