In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
