I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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