no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It was like getting head from an anaconda
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Randomize
