I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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