Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
