mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
