I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
