I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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