These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
