Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I showed him my bush... on skype.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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