Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
