I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
