So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
