So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
