Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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