We won't sleep together?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
