I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
