I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
